I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Randomize
