My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
