He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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