so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
