I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
