Swine flu. Run for my life!
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Im part way to drunk.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
