woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
