I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Betty ford says i'm here all night
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
