Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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