She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
