He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
