I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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