Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
