my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
