What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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