genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
