don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
