I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
