I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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