i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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