I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
