someone owes me an orgasm
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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