Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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