I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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