Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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