last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
