I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
