Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
did i just pee glitter
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
