he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
