Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
