Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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