Apparently you make a good broom.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
