So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
