Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
you had me at cake vodka
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
