remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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