Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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