Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
