Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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