I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
