When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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