you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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