I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
