I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
