They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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