I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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