I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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