I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
