My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
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