Redeem this text for a blowjob
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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