I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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