who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Enjoy the penises
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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